A Discussion on the Dichotomy of Suicide
I Do Not Understand – Yes, You Do Not Understand
I went to the funeral of a young man who had a successful military career and was a husband and father. So why suicide, why was that final decision made? To modify a quote from G.K. Chesterton, The Everlasting Man “For he who doubts (or can’t comprehend) can only say ‘ I do not understand,’ it is true he who knows can only reply or repeat ‘You do not understand.’” Those who die by suicide aren’t making a choice — they’re losing a fight against intolerable pain, emotional turmoil, and loss of hope.
Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain (perceived, real, towards self or others).
Suicide in a broad context: …is the act or an instance of taking one's own life voluntarily and intentionally. That’s how a majority of people would describe the act of suicide. Voluntarily is often related to an action that is freely or willingly committed. Intentionally is defined as “…done as by design or planned.” Professor of psychiatry Ron Pies, M.D. states the following:
A person may be said to act freely to just the extent that three threshold criteria are fulfilled:
1. The act in question is not coerced; imposed by some outside force or authority; impelled by overwhelming emotional turmoil; or hindered in a significant way;
2. The act is intentional (rational and purposive); and
3. The act is subjectively consistent with the person’s wishes at the time and is experienced as “free”.
If an exhausted individual only sees flawed options in themselves, is that a choice? Where it becomes a solution that parts with hopes, dreams, and fears. Suicide becomes the solution others can’t understand and so the person considering suicide feels, that others don’t, can’t, and won’t understand the point where their pain and fears have brought them. Pain is a balanced triad of emotional, physical, and spiritual and over time can and will build to the point of collapse. Many in the military can relate to carrying a pack. The pack on your back keeps getting heavier and heavier as more items are added to the pack. No one will complain, they may grumble as many were trained not to whine or to suck it up, shut it up, and move on. The individual truly believes they can handle it, and keep going, they don’t want to be the weak link, or be considered in that awful term ‘weakness’. The hills turn into mountains, and every time they think they are over the hump, they find it is only a false peak. The tiredness and pain creep in, but they march, shut up, suck it up. Then before they or anyone else realizes it, even though all the signs are there, the weight becomes unbearable. They collapse with no one around to catch them in their fall. Fortitude, perseverance, and grit and guts have nothing to do with it, in fact sometimes an individual’s perceived strengths can bring them to the breaking point. When their strengths fail them, irrational solutions can become rational to someone questioning their very existence.
What can be done, as a consequence of a complete emotional, physical, and spiritual breakdown? Always look for the signs, but this is easier said than done, as signs are easy to see after-the-fact. In the aftermath, the map and links are drawn backward from the end to the beginning. Remember the connect-the-dot games? They are much easier once all the dots are laid out and numbered. Why didn’t they see this, why didn’t I see it, why didn’t someone do something? The problem isn’t the route the individual took to get to the point of suicide, but the unknown about how the person felt, what they heard, and how they perceived the world around them. A person’s strength or tool if relied on too often can be the problem, similar to the old adage “If you only have a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail”. The point here is the hammer is a great tool and can be used in many different ways, but if relied on for many things, can and will lead to failure. So, what to do?
In this dichotomy of suicide, choice, understanding, and intervention, the point is straightforward: The question of whether suicide is a choice can’t be answered Yes or No. Both answers are wrong because the hypothesis that there happens to be some predetermined inevitable course of action, is wrong. The individual’s course or trajectory towards suicide isn’t inevitable and they can change their direction. If you know someone who might be on a path to suicide, depression, or seems ‘off’ lately, simply stay aware. When someone is taking on a constant weight, ask them how things are going, listen to what is being said and what isn’t being said. Oft times what isn’t being said is the key. Where are their fears, what is lurking behind their thoughts, and what actions or behaviors do they think they must hide from themselves and the world? Be aware if the load is becoming a burden, an encumbrance, or an obstacle to growth and openness. Impossible task? As the listener, it is important to remember that it is not your problem to solve, but to potentially intervene. Listen to grasp what the individual is seeing and feeling, ask questions as needed, and provide a haven without judgment or rescue. Know where there are resources for the individual to reach for help, like the Veterans Crisis Line (988, press 1/ send a text message to 988 / or the Suicide Prevention Resource Center 1 (800) 273 talk). For the individual in pain to heal they must be able to look at themselves; own their problems and share feelings and thoughts, without attacking, accusing, labeling, and judging (based on the author Jim Petersen). Faith has a lot to do with any healing process. There must be renewed faith in themselves, which has wavered; faith in others they won’t be abandoned, as they feel alone; and their faith in a higher power, has never been realized or receded. There is a balance in life between whining, asking or accepting help, and/or bearing it all till the collapse. We don’t have to understand how pain and fear can bring about the exhaustion of coping resources, only that it is real, it can happen and there is help. Need Help Click Here. Next article, the tough questions …AFTER… a Compassionate But Required Discussion…